Tuesday, 29 June 2010


Why can't the world see through Lady Gaga? I'll volunteer to give all the monkeys in the Kamala Nagar ridge a hand job if anyone can show me another scam artist of her magnitude! What is she so popular for? Her music? Her outfits, or God forbid, her singing prowess?

I want to deal with the outfits first, because her music is anyway so easy to spit on. Honestly, what is the big deal if any woman with semi-average looks dons an outfit borrowed from some fashion-conscious clowns? Maybe she's throwing in her perspective on the debate about most fashion designers making stuff that no woman in her right mind would like to wear. Most of them are disasters anyway. They make the models look stupid and, if you count the supermodels out, humiliated and undignified.

So a tramp like Lady Gaga comes along and picks up the throwaway couture accessories to conjure a fiendishly crass costume, and everyone thinks she’s making a style statement. Yea, like I am Monica Bellucci’s paramour!
But before the music, something about the video of Telephone. For this one, I’ll give her credit for stealing the idea, sets, props and even casting of the sexploitation movie, Bare Behind Bars. If you’re a guy, you may be interested to know that this genre, specifically the sub-genre, Women Behind Prison, exists to appeal to the basest of male instincts – getting off at the sight of naked women being tortured. Especially so, if these are attractive women, although I was peering to see any attractive ones in this one.
These movies, ostensibly studying the lowest depths that humankind will plumb in moments of depravity, actually feed our voyeuristic tendencies. I’m yet to find someone who will watch this movie and see the parody, rather than the porn. At the very best, it might pass off as intellectual pornography, at worst you will wank off to it.

But whatever Oswaldo De Oliveira’s intentions might have been in making Bare Behind Bars, Lady Gaga’s plagiarizing of it makes a black-and-white statement. Oliveira may have raised the pertinent question – why do we enjoy vicariously, experiences that we’d otherwise loathe in real life -- by showing us acts of carnage that’d make Marquis De Sade turn in his grave. But, there was a recent survey that corroborates this line of thinking, and backs the director’s claim. The survey claimed women tend to enjoy reading about rape crimes and violence so they can avoid being caught in a similar circumstance in real life. So maybe this movie mines adjacent territory, or there might also be other, loftier, artistic calisthenics at work…..

BUT….Lady Gaga used it to fulfill an entirely different need – the male gaze. She does, of course, also know that in showbiz, ‘seek ye first the male gaze and all things shall be added unto you’ is the unspoken formula for success. Hence, we see the pneumatic curves and the sexy pouts and the groping scenes and the swishing hips, moving rhythmically to your (mostly male) eyeballs, or vice versa.

Add a dash of opulence and glamour (the movie on the other hand is shot shoddily, with too much reliance on zoom-in techniques), a token black woman (Beyonce), and a relic car (the Pussy Wagon) from Kill Bill, this music video may also lead you to think it’s a politically correct feminist statement. The director of this video might be gloating over the fact that he’s paying a faux tribute to Tarantino or the sexploitation movies of the 70s. But the fact is, Tarantino hardly ever showed T&A. In fact, throughout Kill Bill, the women hardly ever look like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider or Megan Fox in Transformers.

And for all its brutal portrayal of women, you can still read the deeper subtext hidden in the sexploitation movies.
Telephone, however, is only trying to sell to a wide demographic. Which, if you check the Youtube views, it is has managed to quite successfully.

And what of the comment about Lady Gaga’s dick? I mean is that her way of quelling rumours about being a hermaphrodite?

Now we come to the music. As everyone knows, every recording artist makes use of certain technological innovation to improve his/her talent. Actually, you don’t even need talent if you’re willing to be a pawn in the right hands and dance to the industry’s tunes.

Lady Gaga has done just that. By willing to lay bare on the altar of success and fame. Because if you really want to see her singing prowess, just tune in to any of her live concerts. Now, I’m sure there are ways to make use of technological innovations to perk up a singer performing live as well. And I bet they used it for her too.
Still, and I honestly can’t wrap my mind around this, still, her voice sounded like a fucking bullfrog’s mating call!! How do you explain this? How can an artist, watched and swooned over by more than a billion fans, either be so complacent about her lack of talent, or be so conceited to not care?

But most of all, why on earth can’t anyone see this sham? I used to be a fan, till I recoiled in horror hearing her live performance vocals and her insipid stage antics.
If only pseudo-artists like her are allowed to succeed, then I’d rather go help the monkeys.